sometimes it’s indicated repeatedly in readings that success is imminent for that person, but it just doesn’t happen yet for years. it gets the best of us. you’re so close to making it, and at the same time, so close to just giving up. it’s hard to sustain something that’s dead, but you keep feeling like it’s going to work. and confusingly, cards keep telling you that it’s going to work. and being the reader for that person, I feel the exhaustion too; I mean, reading for them is frustrating for me as well. I see everything for them, but it’s not materializing yet. It makes me feel like a liar.
I see the pattern a lot in businesses. you push and push and push but it doesn’t take off. and it’s just pushing you over the edge at the same time. I can feel the disappointment, they’re literally going crazy. and it’s so heartbreaking, I often see the three of swords in companion, in the current position. “I just don’t know how much more I can wait,” they’d all say. it’s the same voice, the faces that fall. one even compared it to a never-ending pregnancy. “it’s like having the baby in you for years and years, and you’re just so dying to give birth, but it always comes so close and doesn’t happen.” it mentally and physically drains them.
I often hear from those clients: “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” well what didn’t happen for me for years, wasn’t career but love. I felt the same way because it seemed like other people around me were all experimenting with love, but nothing for me. nothing. at all. not even puppy love. or even anything close to that. all I could think was what’s wrong with me? and that goes on for a long time until you give up. surrender. it’s not going to happen. I’m done.
and then there comes a point when you’re really done. not just saying that, but really feel like you’re above it all because you’re just going to accept that it’s not meant for you. I felt like that.
and then it happened. right that second as I mentally felt myself letting go, actually. right that second. and for a moment it almost seemed like a joke. but time goes by and you see the bigger picture, as opposed to standing so close to the picture you can only see a tiny bit of a horizon and think oh, this is what it’s about. but then you step back further and further as time goes by and the picture you see, as you look back, is completely different. and now I see the bigger picture. why I had to wait, and why everything has a different timing. of course it’s annoying as hell to hear that when you are just anxious and waiting and waiting, impatient. I wanted to punch people whenever they told me to be patient, there will be your time. I was like, WELL WHEN THE HELL IS MY TIME. but even all that struggle was preparing me to get to where I was. I thought I was stuck, but all those times, I was still getting there. it was still a part of the process. long, tedious, but an ongoing progress. when I was driven to the point that I was so sick of it that I was finally just naturally letting go, to see the final door slam in my face so I’d accept it, was the right time for me.
but really. it’s impossible to mentally, physically get yourself to that point on your own. don’t try to make yourself give up. it’s just what happens. it took me years and years to be actually done, actually let go even after saying it thousand times, one after another: okay I’m really done, no okay this time I’m really giving up, no this is the last time. but being human, the creatures of hope, it’s virtually impossible for us to truly give up on something so important to us like our dreams or love.
it must be the eternal optimist in me, and my faith in universe is infinite, as religion-like as that sounds; if anything I believe in my power, our power in the world. the universe is us and we are the universe. so in the end, I believe, even for you, there will come a point when you look back and just understand why it took so damn long.
“If only I could have met you again a long time ago, then I wouldn’t have had to take all these detours to get here.”
“I don’t think so. This way is just fine. This is exactly the right time. For both of us. We needed that much time, to understand how lonely we really were.”
-1Q84, haruki murakami
